final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
