Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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