Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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