I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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