I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
