Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
