i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
