Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
