I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
