I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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