After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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