our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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