I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
