MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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