If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
