I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
