you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
