my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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