Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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