if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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