put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
