remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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