im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
