It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
