you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Randomize
