My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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