you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
