me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
