I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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