he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
