Im at strip club and am horny
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It's rum buckets o'clock
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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