definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
