you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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