Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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