Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
