I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
