I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
