I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
