Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
