she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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