I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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