we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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