I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
