Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
