if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
