I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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