my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
is wine microwaveable?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
