ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
