Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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