She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
