dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
