Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
