i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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