Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
