i just had sex bonerless
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You may now shotgun with the bride
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
