i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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