why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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