i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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