if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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