can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Randomize
