I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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