fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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